Going Cold Turkey

These last few days my blog stats have been insane. I’m getting hits from Google, Bing, Yahoo, Twitter, Facebook… even some Russian search engine I’ve never heard of. Thank you for reading, it’s really been motivating.

One thing that people always seem to seek out is advice on relationships, and I am definitely no relationship expert. A lot of things that people are searching for answers to are actually common sense, but I think sometimes they just need to hear it from someone else to really solidify it.

I’ve read so many breakup stories these last few days, and the ones that hits me the hardest are the women that just can’t let it go. I know it’s hard to let go of that last cling of hope, but you have to realize that the person isn’t coming back and most likely has moved on. I’m going to tackle the questions that seems to be on a lot of broken-hearted minds:

But maybe he doesn’t know how much I love him, and I should keep calling and texting him so I can convince him of my love? NO!!! He knows how much you love him, the problem is he doesn’t love you. Being a crazy lady isn’t going to win him back. No guy ever says to himself, Wow! She must really love me because she’s calling every second of the day, I’m going to text her right now and tell her how much I love her too!

If I could just see him again I know I can get him back. Sure, he might be determine it’s over on the phone, but I know he’ll want me back if he actually saw me again. The 100% honest truth is that he checked out long before the actual breakup. If you’ve been dumped, the pain is fresh and unbearable at times. Your world seems like it has come to an end. All those plans you had are gone. Over. Just like that. But the worse part is that he has had a huge head start on the healing. However long he entertained ending the relationship is also how long he’s been emotionally detaching himself from you. So while your wounds are fresh and painful, your ex has the advantage of not only being in the power position, but also having had a chance to wean himself off of you emotionally while you have to go cold turkey on the relationship. It’s a harsh reality, but the truth is that he was already partially or even totally over it before you even knew it was going down. And if you’ve ever broken up with someone, then you have a pretty good idea what he’s going through right now. Yes, breaking up with someone sucks. Yes, you do feel badly about hurting someone’s feelings. But the fact of the matter is that once you get past the initial guilt, the overwhelming feeling is relief.

But what if he doesn’t realize the mistake he’s made? There’s no way he’ll ever find anyone better than me, who’ll love him as much as me. Listen up pretty lady, he’s moved on — but it wasn’t to become a monk or be a hermit. Even if he does realize that you were the best thing to happen to him since Astroglide, he’s trying his luck elsewhere. If there’s no one else out there for him that’s better than you, that’s his loss, and you’ll be the one that he stacks all other women up against. That’s actually an ego booster in my book. I have exs that I still keep in contact with, and while I don’t want them to be miserable, it does make me feel good knowing that they’re trying to find someone better than what they had (and you should too, especially if you think you’re the best he’ll ever get, because that means he’ll never find anyone that tops you).

Will I ever stop thinking about him and get over this? I promise you that it will get better in time, but the thing about time is that it takes actual time. In the meantime, work on setting realistic emotional goals for yourself. Try feeling different instead of better, and then encourage your ability to reach other milestones. Once you accept that it’s a slow process and you need the actual time to grief and mourn the loss, you’ll begin to heal.

But how can he just move on so easily? Walking away from a relationship is never easy. When someone does walk away, it means that they’ve fallen out of love, for whatever reason, have wanted out for a really long time, and finally got up the courage to do the deed. OR that there is another motivating factor in the equation — like, I’m sorry to say, another woman. Either way, the thing you have to realize with yourself is that while you thought things were great, he was working out an exit strategy. What this means is that clearly at some point the two of you stopped being in the same relationship. In his mind, things have probably been broken for a while, and what looks easy now is likely the result of him questioning his own needs and whether a future with you was really the one he wanted.

Alright, I’m just going to ramble on a few more things that should be a kick in the head to all you pretty ladies out there that’s tormenting yourself over a guy:

Sadly, it sounds like he doesn’t miss you— at least not enough to call you. The thing you don’t seem to grasp here is that you are broken up. You shouldn’t be calling or messaging anyway, because your status with each other has changed and contact with him won’t help you cut those emotional ties. And even if he does miss you occasionally, those feelings are superseded by his conviction that the relationship wasn’t for him. Even if he is thinking of you, he doesn’t want to be in contact with you — which should tell you that the breakup is for real, and that you should leave him alone and move on.

How can it just be over? Because it is. The relationship may have been perfect for you, but it wasn’t for him. People move on after a breakup — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. The thing you have to remember is that it was over for him before he ended it, so he had a head start on the process of getting over it. Not only that, but people get over breakups in different ways.

Some like to do it alone, and others like to jump right back into dating. It sounds like you shouldn’t be holding hope for a reconciliation, so it doesn’t really matter what he’s thinking when he’s hooking up with his new lady. My guess is that since he was the one to move on, he’s not looking back.

It would be unfair to generalize and say that men don’t mourn the loss of relationships, but men do have a tendency to recover more quickly from the setback of heartbreak than women. The truth is that men and women are wired differently and tend to deal with their breakups in different ways. Men seem to be more sexually driven by nature and seek companionship more frequently and less selectively. So while a woman in the midst of heartbreak might not be able to even think of looking at another guy, a man might deal with the loss by getting back on the prowl, or a bucket of wings and a six-pack to heal his broken heart (especially during football season). Men also don’t really allow themselves the same indulgences during a breakup as women do, so they are socially conditioned to get past it faster or risk being seen as pathetic. Men are kind of dumb, really.

Think about it this way. Have you ever broken up with someone? Then you know that on all of those occasions, the common feeling was that you were over it before you actually got out of it. Being over it is, in part, what pushed you to end it in the first place. If you’ve been on the receiving end of a breakup, then you have to swallow the bitter pill that your ex is already over it and was possibly getting over it before you even knew you were in it. How much does that suck?

What sucks even more is getting hung up on the “what is he thinking and feeling?” shit. Does he miss me as much as I miss him? No. If he did, you’d know it by his actions. Is he seeing someone else? Maybe. Probably. Or at least he’s planning on it. Again — it sucks, but if you get real about it you’ll realize that knowing the answers to these questions still doesn’t change the fact that it’s over.

Guys may flip-flop and send confusing messages, especially when the potential for sex is involved. But if you really listen, they’re telling you everything you need to know by breaking up with you in the first place. Tell yourself the honest truth, he knows you’re still in love with him, but he hasn’t tried to get back with you, so what does that tell you? Here’s what I tell myself after a breakup — he’s dead, he got shipped off to war and got lost out at sea, he got married and has ten kids now, he’s dating Ms. October from Playboy, he’s got an STD, he was really a woman with a sex change… okay, maybe these are extremities, but whatever helps you to move on. If you’re convince that he broke up with you because there was someone else, then tell yourself that he’s with another woman and doesn’t want you anymore. You gotta do this cold turkey, it’s the only way.

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