Thank you to my readers on here (and people on my social media sites) for all the love… some hailing all the way from Okinawa, Japan even! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I was recently offered a position as a moderator for some sort of long-distance relationship website… needless to say, I passed on the offer (the irony of my life really kills me sometimes). There is something that I want to blog about, and it’s super important, depression. I feel it’s my civic duty to write this post for all of you out there nursing a broken heart.
I write my posts because I love writing, it helps me to vent. To me, writing is my outlet, my calm. Something to do when I’m in bed, wide awake, staring into the darkness. I try to relate to my readers with a tone that I would if in person, but that doesn’t change the real emotions that people sometimes feel.
Depression is no joke. If you’re in a situation where you can’t even get yourself out of bed anymore, seek help. The only person worth that kind of heartache is your own child(ren)… and if you have kids, be strong for them, no man (no matter how “great” you thought he was) is worth the energy taken from you being a mom to your child.
You know what a bad breakup is like? Like an addiction. People go to AA and NA meetings and have sponsors, well I’ll be your “Breakup Buddy” (it’s a sponsor that keeps you from being known as the “ex” to becoming label as the “psycho-ex” — because you are just too awesome for that kind of nonsense). But just like a real sponsor, I am not a friend. Sponsors in self-help groups are strangers who have gone through the same struggles you have, but they’re not friends and they’re definitely not professionals. If my blogging helps you to get over your heartache, I will type until my fingers cramp up… but there’s only so much that a sponsor/Breakup Buddy can do.
There are some breakups that really do seem like a crisis, and in those cases you need a professional who is trained to help you recover from your crisis. I worry about YOU (all the broken hearts out there), some of the stories I’ve read lately actually makes me want to be strong for YOU… hell, sometimes I wonder if we even dated the same guy!
Everyone mourns differently. There is no time frame for getting over grief. An end of a relationship is just like a death — I will talk you out of the weekend texting, sexting, emailing, Facebook stalking, blocked-number dialing… but YOU have to have the will power to actually not do it. Your ex is a drug. Sure you felt great when you guys were together, but now that he’s dumped you (I know “dump” is a harsh word, but I’m not a friend, I’m a stranger who’s decided to be your Breakup Buddy), you’re having withdrawals like a heroin fiend. You need to detox from the ex, the withdrawal period is hard, but you can’t recover until you have DETOX.
So I’m just going to hit you with a bunch of bricks here (you need a wake up call) because honestly your depression is making me depress, and I’ve got enough of my own shit to be depressed about. So here goes:
NO ONE dies alone. I’ve seen fugly-ass people with significant others. Have you seen Here Comes Honey BooBoo??? You’ll find someone too… they did.
He wasn’t a “great guy” — maybe he treated you good, but you treated him good too… so maybe you guys weren’t that “great” with each other; but focus on the things that didn’t make it so great: physical things that you weren’t attracted to — you brought it up for a reason, it was like the first thing you told me about him, so obviously it bothered you. The sex was lame and you had nothing in common. You didn’t like his family and you tolerated his friends, he made no effort to even meet your family. You and his mom got into a bitch-fest. He put his job and friends ahead of you, even though he was always number one in your life… I mean, I could make a list (and I already did, so now you finish the list of all the reasons why he wasn’t so “great” after all, and was just a nice guy instead).
And what if you weaken and call or text? So what? Many recovering addicts fall off the wagon, the point is to keep trying… keep enduring with the struggle until you eventually get to the one week mark, two weeks, and hopefully you’ll get a one month chip. I’ll confess, I’ve fallen off that wagon plenty of times. I would tell myself that I wouldn’t contact a guy, I’d make big X marks on my calendar for every day that I succeeded, but there would be times when I couldn’t fight the urge and I ended up texting or calling him. And you know what? I’ve NEVER felt good after I made that call or send that text, and you won’t either.
Don’t get drunk, high, or rebound on sex to get over him. It won’t make you forget. Afterwards, you’ll probably feel worse… and don’t give up one vice for another. You know, I recently smoked two packs of cigarettes… I don’t even smoke at all! And that shit cost $7 a pack… in Iowa!!! (Imagine if you were nursing this heartache in NYC instead — you’d be broke and depress!) After I finished the second pack, I said, F*ck this! I don’t smoke. If anything, I picked up smoking because of him and his big-ass hookah. Why should me, my house, my car, and my clothes stink when I’m not even a smoker anyway?
You wanting to smoke or drink the guy away isn’t going to do it. All it’s going to do is leave a dent in your wallet, and a possible real addiction (not the metaphor)… and it can only go down hill from there. You know what I tell myself? He was good to me, but I was good to him too, but maybe he just doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it. You think you want him back because he broke it off, but really how great was this guy? He doesn’t seem that great to me.
If you’re going through hell, keep going!!! At least you know you’re still living. Having any hope for an ex that long ago is just not healthy — no matter how great it plays out in your head, he DOES NOT want to see you. Do not manipulate any “chance” encounters, accidental bumpings, or coincidental meetings… you’re not fooling anyone, and it’ll only make you feel pitiful about yourself to have to sunk to such lows for a man that doesn’t love you.
Yes, even if he did love you at one point, it’s irrelevant because he doesn’t love you NOW. If it’s meant to be, love will bring you two back without forcing some awkward meeting because you just happen to be by his house, his job, his favorite Starbucks. I’m going to say this, and it’s going to hurt like a motherf*cker, but HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. If it makes you feel better, tell yourself he doesn’t love you anymore, but it doesn’t change the fact that he just plain out doesn’t love you, whether it’s “anymore” or not.
Take all the time you need to deal with your grief, but you should still be able to function, and if you’ve come to the point where you can’t even take care of yourself anymore — seek professional help.
(Ugh, I swear this whole week is giving me diarrhea or some shit.) You won’t end up alone, that wasn’t the only nice guy out there. How do I know? Because I can list off like ten nice guys I’ve met every time a relationship ended. Unless you’ve been hit with the ugly stick (and even then there’s still hope!), you’ll find another nice guy again, and maybe this nice guy will be a great guy instead. You know what song you should have on repeat? — When a Man Loves a Woman, Percy Sledge. That’s the kind of man you want, the difference between a nice guy and a great guy.
If you are truly, in all of your being, just not able to accept that it’s over — then wait like six months (or longer), and see if the feelings are still there and see if he wants to try again; but in those six months date, go to work, find a new job, do something you’ve always wanted to do, see a friend, go skydiving, whatever… just do something that accomplishes your life, not his.
Start by dating again. Try Plenty of Fish, it’s actually a great site to meet someone. I’ve met like twenty people of there, some I’m still friends with, others I’ve never seen again. I will tell you, I hate dating. I really do. But there’s nothing like the first flirtations and excitement of dating someone new, and missing them, and the anxiousness waiting for their call or text… it might even make you happy again.